low self-esteem

I'm definitely experiencing mad low self esteem, when I want to be feeling mad love.

If I could just stop eating, I honestly believe my life would improve so much. If I could achieve a body that I am happy with, then everything else will become lovely too. I need to exercise too, somehow, without getting angry. Exercise makes me angry because I'm bad at it and it makes me feel terrible to be prancing around with my girth in unattractive tight clothing, all sweaty. I just need to get over it, or be fat forever.

from shitty to fantastic

By the way, feeling shitty really has a FANTASTIC way of making you feel like the queen of the universe after the clouds clear. With that being said, I feel peachy keen. Also, If it weren't so terribly unrealistic, I'd love to just hit the road like Kerouac. Keep this in mind, "twenty years of schoolin' and they put you on the day shift"... I can't stop my mind from focusing on all of the wonderful things going on in the world that I might be missing out on!

creep

But I'm a creep,

I'm a weirdo

What the hell am I doin' here?

I don't belong here


I don't care if it hurts,

I wanna have control

I want a perfect body

I want a perfect soul


I want you to notice

when I'm not around

You're so fuckin' special

I wish I was special.



Hello,I am not depressed about the whole deal regarding S. I am just dealing with resurfacing emotions, with the last few flies behind the window that I hadn't noticed before, when I thought I'd killed them all. They started buzzing their ugly little bodies against the glass today, causing me to hurt myself again. I'm not even bitter or mad, I am in quite a good mood right now actually. I just wish I felt a little less impulsive sometimes... and a little more motivated to open up to people. But at least all is well mentally with me. I'd hate to be harboring negative feelings. Those do nothing but wreck havoc on the soul! I'm just feeling the normal levels of unattractiveness, ya know. Yet I am also feeling so grateful and loving for this body I have been given. Yes, I would like it to be thinner, etc., but words cannot express the love and joy I have for being alive. I feel so happy for my blessings, and I hope that one day I can use this fantastically able and healthy body to travel around and see cool mountains and beautiful trees and starry skies, untainted by city lights. I know I will. I just need to deal with one year and one month of high school, and then I'll be living on a campus somewhere... even if it's just two hours away from here, any change of scenery will be stellar. Well, I've got to go freshen up and get ready for sleeeeeep and dreeeeams and then the beeeeautiful new day tomorrow.
Peace and love!

S

S has a new girlfriend! She is so pretty and lovely, it's great. I'm a little sad DEEP down inside I guess, only because I feel fat and ugly right now, ahhhah. Eh.

But really, It's great for them. I'm glad that he has a girlfriend, because now I can validate that he's not right for me at all, PLUS, we've never even met so I'm just being retarded. But you know what I mean.

Yet I just ate a bowl of fucking ice cream.

HEY SELF, YOU ARE NOT BRIGET JONES, GET OVER IT. SHIT.

mmmmm yummm mmm mm

I think the best meal in the UNIVERSE would be:

+

my mind

Well, yesterday my mind,

upon listening to Daughter by Pearl Jam.

My hands floated to the ceiling like they were made of air.

And it felt really good to dance and hug my knees.