crushes

I didn't know that I still liked him until today I found out he got a new girlfriend. I thought I was done.

When I was told this news, I felt quite okay with it, actually. And up until about 10 minutes ago, I've been (seemingly) totally cool with it. Then Pale Blue Eyes by The Velvet Underground came on, and I began to think of him and how he's still been in the back of my mind, and I teared up a bit.

I know that he doesn't like me, and that I can't make him like me. I don't want to make anyone like me... I never even did. I'd rather be me, un-liked, than act different to gain someone's attention. It's not a game I play.

I'm just a little sad since a sliver of me thought he might have been interested. Just a sliver...

It's cool though. I have no hard feelings or anything like that because we never even knew eachother to begin with. We've only spoken twice, ever. And both conversations were less than 5 minutes in length. I just always catch him making eye contact with me and he added me on Facebook, initiating a few convos, so I kinda thought he thought I was cute or something. HAH, who was I kidding? (Am I being cynical? I can't tell anymore.)

This is the third girlfriend that I've watched him have in the past four years, so this feeling is of course familiar. It feels like being crushed. (Hence why they call it a crush).

Maybe she will also pass, just like the previous two. But I'm not waiting in line. Nope. I don't want to be that kind of girl either.

I've determined that no matter what, or how much time passes, he will just always have a special place in my heart. There's no denying that anymore. I can't help it.

On a different note... thinking about people having relationships makes me feel so dumb. I am 17 and have never had a boyfriend. Never been kissed. I long for a warm embrace, but I feel so unworthy- I am terrified of being touched. I am ridiculously naive. This also makes me sad.

It seems like everybody- even my 14 year old sister- has somebody, except for me. It's just me, my tea, candles, and my blog. I feel like it's because I am flawed. Something must be wrong with me. A part of me believes it's because of my physique (I am 5'6" and 141 pounds). I am shapely, like Marilyn or Christina Hendricks. Why are they so beautiful, sexy, and coveted, but high school boys just want a Twiggy or an Audrey? I wish I was an Audrey or a Twiggy.

I just feel lonely today I suppose. I would hug you, the reader, if I could right now. I really would. Gosh, I sure feel like Tom from 500 Days of Summer. I need to go take a walk, or get some rest! Goodnight.

xoxo,

Gypsy