Monday, May 31, 2010

tides of change


I feel liberated, if only just a little.

I'm a free bird, as I've always been... for some reason I just can't always see that.

Although "no one is free, even the birds are chained to the sky," (Bob Dylan), it's all how you view it.

And I guess when I say I feel free, I just mean that things are getting better than worse, and I'm hopeful for my future. I still remain an existentialist, but not a depressive one. Life is much nicer when you only allow yourself depression about 10 percent of the time ;)

The tides do change, as the natural winds of life blow in different directions.

- - - - - - - - - - -

Also, my lovely reader, or lovely imaginary reader, please listen to the song Springtime Can Kill You by Julie Holland.

It's beautiful.





Saturday, May 29, 2010

What a nice day


Today I woke up, got high on the last of my weed, went to pick strawberries with friends, went out for chinese food, had coffee and red velvet cake at K's house, and played with glow-sticks in the front yard. Then when it got dark, A, K, and I laid out on the lawn listening to Sinatra while picking grass and talking about things in general.

I can't believe what a nice day I've had. Thank God. I am so happy.

And I'm not going to worry about S... although he commented on my posts... I thought it through today, and I'm content with being over him. I'm not going to get all worried and try to harness my attraction twoard him just because he also likes Bob Dylan. I'm happy he likes Bob too! Maybe one day S and I could be friends, but I'm no longer infatuated. And I'm okay with it :)

Soooo I just finished my strawberries up and am just chillin' now. A and I discussed a lot of movies and music and books and dreams. I really enjoy spending time with her since we've got so much in common. I hope we can become closer friends too. I love meeting people with things in common with me, and lately, the Stars have been answering my calls. When you put out good, good comes back. So although not every day is fantastic, I love the ones that are. Big time love to you, to the universe, to life, and to the future. Big love!

xoxo

P.S. I'm so excited to eat my other MOJO bar for breakfast tomorrow! ;D




Friday, May 28, 2010

Emotionally confused

Well, I'm officially confused emotionally.

I thought I no longer liked him. Which I still think I don't....

But he just commented on one of my photos, "I think you might like Bob Dylan almost as much as I do." In addition to having commented on multiple photos/posts of mine, and he added me as a friend. Not me adding him! He added me! And comments my things randomly. That's normal... right?

So, my heart is confusing me. Maybe I should just not feel attached to the first person who I meet that also likes Bob Dylan and comments my things randomly

...and who I was practically in love with for three years.

It's not even a crush I don't think. It's just like, attachment and... loneliness? I'm not sure.

I should take this quote from 500 Days of Summer into consideration:

"Just because she likes the same bizzaro crap you do doesn't mean she's your soul mate. "










Oh, Bob, what is this that I feel? I am so unexperienced with guys, that I just don't know what's going on with me in this crazy old head of mine.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Dream cities to live in for College


Dream cities to live in for College:

  • Seattle, WA
  • Santa Barbara, CA
  • Boulder, CO
Ahhhh, my heart flutters just thinking about the vast opportunities that my future holds for me!
I am so frightened, nervous, and excited by college, all at the same time!
In one year I will be getting ready for university. How scary is that?

WWaaaaaaauuuuuuwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Monday, May 24, 2010

let's be honest

I find the whole "cigarettes and coffee" thing to be exceptionally appealing. I both fantasize and worry about the day i turn 18... because then the decision to purchase that first box of cigs will come. Will I grab a cup of coffee and a box of sweet black djarums? Or will I decide that it's a stupid idea. I would really love a substitute for food...this whole bingeing and purging thing isn't working for me, and quite frankly it has become an inescapable hell which warrants NO weight loss at all.

I wish cigs didn't cause cancer.

...I will 90% not smoke, because I can just picture myself heaving blood as a result of my throat "issues", triggered by the nicotine/tobacco. and hacking like those nasty old leathery-skin women who wear south western jewelry and work at truck stop diners. it's not attractive in real life.


but i can keep this little glamorous fantasy alive in my mind since i've grown quite fond of it.

















Saturday, May 22, 2010

MAYBE IT'S JUST ME

maybe it's just me, but sometimes i feel like my heart is so heavy that my eyes become oceans and everything i am feeling just flows and flows through me in waves.

+++++++++

when this happens i like to hang upside down on my bed; with my legs on the bed part and my torso hanging off so the world is upside down.

magic

"sometimes i can still feel the magic"

(written by me, 2009)

i feel it for only a moment at a time. my mind takes me back to a second in my life in which everything was perfect - - picturesque; movie like. the smell, the emotion. but only for a moment.

▲!☼=+▲▼+ ▲=▲☼▲!!!▲+▲!!▼!=+♦+ !☼=+▼!!☼=+▲=▼♦+▲☼▲!☼

the fog tickling the little hairs in my nose at 6 in the morning, before an early jog. the cool, humid breeze kissing the skin on my bear legs and arms in west palm beach florida. the smell of shampoo on your hair, sweet and fresh. the feeling of butterflies, fluttering in your stomach when you see the boy you like. how your heart feels as light and full as a balloon floating through the air. standing on top of a castle in italy, all of florence floating below you; hundreds of peach colored buildings so beautiful you’d swear you were inside of a painting. the smell of the asphalt after it rains. rosy cheeks, nipped by the cool autumn’s air. freshly painted nails, glossy and cherry red. staying up late with your friends when you were little, telling secrets and watching movies. the county fair at night, how the lights sparkle and twinkle below you as you soar above the world on the ferris wheel. listening to nantes by beirut at 2 in the morning, allowing the tears to stream down your face and collect at the bottom of your chin. the fog of cigarette smoke floating inside of the small cafe, candles lit abundantly, live music resonating through your whole body. there is so much magic all around me and stored in my mind, but i can’t possibly recall everything right now.

▲==▼!☼=+▲▼♦+ ☼▲!!!▲+▲!!▼!☼=+♦+▲!☼=+▼!!☼=+▼♦+▲▲☼▲!+

ITALY 1

I don't want to ever forget any of this.

RECOLLECTIONS FROM 2004

"the smell of vanilla mint toothpaste reminds me of italy in the top floor of the three story home i stayed in for two weeks, in the rural town of strangolagalli, with some close friends. that was the toothpaste i used every morning, and for some reason it has stuck with me and brings back a flood of memories, all at once. like looking out the window at the cars parked on the pebbles, and how i had a stack of little drawings of the colosseum that i’d made sitting there on the sill.

i loved how there was just miles and miles of vineyard, pure and green. in the mornings there was a blanket of thick, gray fog that sat perfectly in the little valleys, the tops of hills peeking over the blankets of cloud.

i never want to forget the small car we drove upon the stone road, to the cafe in the mornings to drink creme and enjoy pastries. both my parents, my little sister, and i, all together. there was a big pink cake shaped like a castle in the window.

then there were the afternoon walks over to the flea market and local chapel.

i recall sticking my head out of the window at night, breathing in the sweet, cool air. i would close my eyes and just breathe. i felt the wind running her fingers through my hair as chills went down my spine. then we arrived at the bar and i remember i loved the sweet smell of those clove cigarettes, and those cigarettes only.

eating pasta around the dinner table with the entire family! zia, zio, cousins, grandmother, grandfather, sisters, brothers, friends, everyone; it all seemed so unreal!

and i remember lighting short candles all in a circle around pretty little stones that i found with luca and my sister. and how the cute italian woman would pinch my cheeks with her wrinkly little hands, and poke at my dress while saying something in italian that i couldn’t understand.

it was really nice."

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Dan the man

I NEED TO RECONTEXTUALIZE.

I've got to get honest with myself, stop the bad old habits.

I need to "transcend disease" and "stay strong". I can't let my spirit be broken, or let the voice in. "Gotta stay thankful... keeping the on switch on... letting the light flow through you".

ENERGY VIBRATIONS.

EXPERIENTIAL VIBRATION.

I'll write about my progress every day. I want to get better. I've gotten so much better in the past 4 months, but I've plateaued again. Time to wake up, life is a'wasting!


I'm always a fan of Dan's videos. He helps me out a lot.

"FINDING WAYS TO LOVE EVERYTHING"

// The thing with me is that I know who I am in spirit, I just need to unite my physical+mental being with this spiritual being that I know I am. I know where my heart is, I've just got to allign.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Natalie's nose

If I could get a nose job,
I'd ask for Natalie's nose.






Thursday, May 6, 2010

Contemplation


Contemplating this cosmic universe, and my existence. How shall I make the most of my short yet fantastic life here on planet Earth?

So, I need to get back down to earth. I'm a little bit up in the air and aimless. I'm confused about life. I need to create art tomorrow and watch a movie and clean my room. I need to consider things in life such as;
  • who am i?
  • what do i want in life?
  • do i value my friendships?
  • am i actually lonely, or am i just listless?
  • how am i going to read all of the books on my list by the end of this year?
  • will i ever fix my eating issues? (probably not)
  • how can i better my yoga practice? (CHECK OUT BOOKS ON IT, DUH)
  • will i ever allow myself to develop close relationships with people?
  • will i feel better or worse once i get into college?
  • is there really anything wrong, or is this just what it's like to be human?
Anyways, the point is that I am extremely happy right now, in terms of content-ness. I am content and therefore happy. I just feel strange... perhaps it's the glass of wine that I had with dinner. Or perhaps I'm just restless. Either way, I don't know what I want. I.... well, yeah.




low self-esteem

I'm definitely experiencing mad low self esteem, when I want to be feeling mad love.

If I could just stop eating, I honestly believe my life would improve so much. If I could achieve a body that I am happy with, then everything else will become lovely too. I need to exercise too, somehow, without getting angry. Exercise makes me angry because I'm bad at it and it makes me feel terrible to be prancing around with my girth in unattractive tight clothing, all sweaty. I just need to get over it, or be fat forever.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

from shitty to fantastic

By the way, feeling shitty really has a FANTASTIC way of making you feel like the queen of the universe after the clouds clear. With that being said, I feel peachy keen. Also, If it weren't so terribly unrealistic, I'd love to just hit the road like Kerouac. Keep this in mind, "twenty years of schoolin' and they put you on the day shift"... I can't stop my mind from focusing on all of the wonderful things going on in the world that I might be missing out on!

creep

But I'm a creep,

I'm a weirdo

What the hell am I doin' here?

I don't belong here


I don't care if it hurts,

I wanna have control

I want a perfect body

I want a perfect soul


I want you to notice

when I'm not around

You're so fuckin' special

I wish I was special.



Hello,
I am not depressed about the whole deal regarding S. I am just dealing with resurfacing emotions, with the last few flies behind the window that I hadn't noticed before, when I thought I'd killed them all. They started buzzing their ugly little bodies against the glass today, causing me to hurt myself again. I'm not even bitter or mad, I am in quite a good mood right now actually. I just wish I felt a little less impulsive sometimes... and a little more motivated to open up to people. But at least all is well mentally with me. I'd hate to be harboring negative feelings. Those do nothing but wreck havoc on the soul! I'm just feeling the normal levels of unattractiveness, ya know. Yet I am also feeling so grateful and loving for this body I have been given. Yes, I would like it to be thinner, etc., but words cannot express the love and joy I have for being alive. I feel so happy for my blessings, and I hope that one day I can use this fantastically able and healthy body to travel around and see cool mountains and beautiful trees and starry skies, untainted by city lights. I know I will. I just need to deal with one year and one month of high school, and then I'll be living on a campus somewhere... even if it's just two hours away from here, any change of scenery will be stellar. Well, I've got to go freshen up and get ready for sleeeeeep and dreeeeams and then the beeeeautiful new day tomorrow.

Peace and love!

Monday, May 3, 2010

S


S has a new girlfriend! She is so pretty and lovely, it's great. I'm a little sad DEEP down inside I guess, only because I feel fat and ugly right now, ahhhah. Eh.

But really, It's great for them. I'm glad that he has a girlfriend, because now I can validate that he's not right for me at all, PLUS, we've never even met so I'm just being retarded. But you know what I mean.

Yet I just ate a bowl of fucking ice cream.
HEY SELF, YOU ARE NOT BRIGET JONES, GET OVER IT. SHIT.


mmmmm yummm mmm mm

I think the best meal in the UNIVERSE would be:


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Saturday, May 1, 2010

my mind


Well, yesterday my mind,

upon listening to Daughter by Pearl Jam.
My hands floated to the ceiling like they were made of air.
And it felt really good to dance and hug my knees.