"I think I can, I think I can, I think I can"

The most important thing in the world to me is making my dad proud. He wants me to drive and get my lisence so that he can get a job since at the moment, he has to drive us everywhere. I need to be less selfish and just sacrifice my dislike for driving so that he can be proud of me. I need to believe in myself more, but I don't know why that seems to be so difficult to me.

I'm also very anxious and afraid that I won't get into any good schools because I am a dreadful writer. My dad always uplifts me, telling me that I've got the talent to write great admissions essays and that any school should be proud to accept me. His kindness and high regard for me melts my heart because he's my hero, but I know that he thinks so much of me since I'm his daughter and he loves me.

I am also doing bad in Government class. I have a 68.2% and that's not acceptable. I feel like puking at the thought of it! I am going to study my ASS off tomorrow and the day after because I need to get an A on the test. At least a B. Oh my God, I can't fail another test. That would fuck everything up.

I want my dad to be proud of me. I want acceptance. I want him to love me and be proud of me.

He has said in the past that I should exercise more. He wants me to be fit because he cares about me. It's not like I want to be fat either.

I feel sick because I am not who I want to be. I am mediochre. I've dropped out of soccer when I was 14, he loved that I played soccer. I'm not driving, he wants me to drive. I am not excelling in school, I need to bring my goddamn AP Gov grade or I will die. I will honestly die. 

I would die and have to bury myself in a hole.

I need to get courage to drive. I need to be courageous. I need to believe in myself. I need to believe in myself. I feel sick. I want to be better in every single way but I keep falling short.

I can't fall short. This is my last year of living under his roof, my last year of grade school. I want to make him proud for once.

LIST OF THINGS I NEED TO DO:

• Finish my college app essays and feel good about them.
• Submit all of my applications
• Renew driver's permit
• Begin voulunteering at museum
• Get Senior Exhibition paper signed by lady @ the museum
• Bring up AP Gov grade
• Bring up AP Lit grade
• BRING UP ART GRADE (How dumb is it that I have an 86 in art? Really dumb)
• Work out every day at mama's house so that I can see toning and become slimmer
• Feel my dad actually be proud of me
  
  

My love and empathy goes out to Demi and everyone who is dealing with eating disorders and/or self-injury.

I heard about Demi and the issues that she is currently dealing with. Because I connect with what she is going through, I thought I would write a letter to her. I'm not sending it to her, but I wanted to write it anyways. Also, it makes me a little sad that when Demi has eating issues or cutting issues, everyone is so loving, but when it comes to me, people are judging and unsympathetic. People are so judgmental when they see the scars on my arm, yet they share love to Demi. I think that Demi definitely deserves all of the love heading her way, my point is just that if you see that a friend of yours has scars on her arms, share love with her too. You don't know how much she might need you.

- - - - - - - - - -

Dear Demi,

I sure hope you get to read this, it would mean a lot to me if you did. I’m writing to you because I just heard that you’ve been dealing with cutting and with an eating disorder. It hurts my soul so much to hear this, and it hits me right in the heart. I started crying the second I read an article about you going to get help. I am 17 years old and I've been dealing with an eating disorder and self-injury for quite some time now, since I was about 15 I think. Nobody would ever suspect it because I am an average-sized girl, and I never show any signs of getting anxiety about my body or my life. I've never told anyone about it before or made it apparent that I've been dealing with such issues, but I thought I would let you know that you aren't alone, and it makes me feel so much less alone to know that you and I are similar in this respect.

I can't imagine what it would possibly be like to have to deal with these things all while under the pressures of the spotlight, I really can't. You are so strong and beautiful and I know that things will improve! I really relate to you, and you are in my prayers because you have the exact same issues that I have, and every fiber of my being empathizes with how you are feeling. I wish I was strong enough to get help sometimes, I wish that I could come forward and talk about how much pain I am in sometimes. I wish I could share how my body aches from the inside out, and after a day of purging, I just want to slip away. I wish that someone could understand how I don't want to hurt myself, and how I don't want to die.

I respect you so much, Demi, and I wish that this didn't have to be so publicized, because I don't think that all of this media attention is helpful to you. I wish I could be friends with you so that I could have someone to relate to. I've always looked up to you and wanted to be like you because you are so talented, beautiful, outgoing, and you are helpful to kids being bullied in school. I know we will never get to meet and you will never read this letter, but please know that you are beautiful and strong, and we will all be alright.


So so so much love is going your way,
Gypsy

- - - - - - - - - - -

You guys have no idea how much less alone I feel right now. I feel like I'm not a freak.

YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL, DEMI!

xoxo

I'm not sad. I'm just lonely and unsure of myself. Why are you so beautiful?

Why do I waste my days and not do anything productive with my life? I can change this whenever I really want to... I could write poetry about you and learn to play the harmonica again.

I wish I could drive and I wish I could buy cigarettes and adderall.


I need to get good at hiking. I need confidence and I need to have something consistent... something where I can see improvement in myself. Yoga too. I need to get busy living or get busy dying.

Everything is easier said than done.... but there's no need to beat myself up about everything.

I think I need a friend. Just one really good friend would be nice to have. Some day! Some day! College is only 10 months away! I hope I do well there, I hope I can meet some nice people that I can connect with. Hopefully hopefully hopefully.

I have a headache.

I wish I felt comfortable with people. With groups of people, specifically.

well gosh

crushes

I didn't know that I still liked him until today I found out he got a new girlfriend. I thought I was done.

When I was told this news, I felt quite okay with it, actually. And up until about 10 minutes ago, I've been (seemingly) totally cool with it. Then Pale Blue Eyes by The Velvet Underground came on, and I began to think of him and how he's still been in the back of my mind, and I teared up a bit.

I know that he doesn't like me, and that I can't make him like me. I don't want to make anyone like me... I never even did. I'd rather be me, un-liked, than act different to gain someone's attention. It's not a game I play.

I'm just a little sad since a sliver of me thought he might have been interested. Just a sliver...

It's cool though. I have no hard feelings or anything like that because we never even knew eachother to begin with. We've only spoken twice, ever. And both conversations were less than 5 minutes in length. I just always catch him making eye contact with me and he added me on Facebook, initiating a few convos, so I kinda thought he thought I was cute or something. HAH, who was I kidding? (Am I being cynical? I can't tell anymore.)

This is the third girlfriend that I've watched him have in the past four years, so this feeling is of course familiar. It feels like being crushed. (Hence why they call it a crush).

Maybe she will also pass, just like the previous two. But I'm not waiting in line. Nope. I don't want to be that kind of girl either.

I've determined that no matter what, or how much time passes, he will just always have a special place in my heart. There's no denying that anymore. I can't help it.

On a different note... thinking about people having relationships makes me feel so dumb. I am 17 and have never had a boyfriend. Never been kissed. I long for a warm embrace, but I feel so unworthy- I am terrified of being touched. I am ridiculously naive. This also makes me sad.

It seems like everybody- even my 14 year old sister- has somebody, except for me. It's just me, my tea, candles, and my blog. I feel like it's because I am flawed. Something must be wrong with me. A part of me believes it's because of my physique (I am 5'6" and 141 pounds). I am shapely, like Marilyn or Christina Hendricks. Why are they so beautiful, sexy, and coveted, but high school boys just want a Twiggy or an Audrey? I wish I was an Audrey or a Twiggy.

I just feel lonely today I suppose. I would hug you, the reader, if I could right now. I really would. Gosh, I sure feel like Tom from 500 Days of Summer. I need to go take a walk, or get some rest! Goodnight.

xoxo,

Gypsy

AUTUMN IS AMONG US

This is autumn. This is what I live for.

The sky is gray, it's so beautiful. Every dimension and shadow of the sky can be seen in these lightly pigmented clouds. I love the little drizzle in the morning, how it makes my hair feel poofy and light. I could practically float to school.

And the leaves. Oh those beautiful leaves! Where I live, the leaves fall in many different shades of gold. They pave the path to the entrance of my home, like the entrance to a fairy castle.

There is a black kitty whom I named "Mama Gypsy Panther Cat" sitting in a pile of these beautiful leaves, taking a nap.

I am obsessed with how I feel in this weather. I feel free, I feel alive. I love the snacks that compliment this weather. Yesterday I munched on some peanut-butter filled pretzles, and today I am enjoying a banana with some nutella. Oh! And we can't forget about the tea! Pumpkin tea, Irish breakfast tea, white tea, chai tea, vanilla rooibos tea, cream earl gray, mmmmmmmmm. So wonderful. Not only that, but somehow incense and candles are so much sweeter when it's fall. I can't help but smile right now, despite the loads of work that I've got to do this evening. I could hardly even care considering how alive I feel when my body, spirit, and environment are all in unison.

Scents that are perfect in fall:

Pumpkin

Cinnamon

Apple

Etc.

Things currently on my mind:

Rings

Cuddling

I want to grow my hair out like Repunzel

Fireplaces

Halloween

Kitschy 1970's Horror Films

Candles

Dried Flowers

Roasting Marshmallows

I want to graffiti something :}

Did I mention that I wore a huge sweater today? Well I did. It is HUGE and soft and warm and wonderful. I wore boy's oxford shoes! Mmmm. My nails are a dark shade of crimson. Mmmm.

I don't know what else to say besides that I am happy, warm, and thankful to be alive.

P.S. Check out this perfect fall playlist:

http://8tracks.com/oriana/first-autumn-s-rain

xoxo

Dancing Gypsy

Stranger

Why did I have to wrap everything that I am and everything that I love so tightly around you? I've wrapped my favourite movies, favourite music, and books all together in a huge lump... all based on you.

When I was most fragile and alone, I fixated on you, someone who I do not even know, and I attatched myself to what you love, because I didn't know who I was. Now, years later, we still have not met, yet I can't take my mind off of you.

What I've done to myself is create this fictional perception of who you are, based on my adoration for the mutual interests that we share.

In many ways, I do not regret it. If I had not stumbled upon your myspace page and read about Bob Dylan, Wes Anderson, and the plethora of poets, music, and movies that you so particularly listed on the internet for all to see, I would not be even close to the person who I am today.

I honest to God would not. Literally all of my favourite things were found on your page, and I adopted all of them as my own. I fell in love with them, and then fell for you.

So that's why you're forever glued to my heart, stranger. I feel so strange for attaching myself to an individual who I have never spoken to, but I see on a daily basis at school. You look at me differently than other people look at me. If you never looked my way, I might've shaken you after a few years. But when we passed, I felt something completely different. I've seen you all over the place, and I seem to be drawn to you.

You'll never know about how you've changed my life and consumed my mind, but a little part of me wishes that you could.

I don't get myself, I want to escape.

Right now I kind of just feel like writing. You don't need to read this, unless you're bored. I don't know where I'm going to go with this. I guess I should start with how today went. Today was really tough. I was so frustrated with myself, and I wished to just lie in bed all day long to avoid myself. If my mom hadn't dragged me with her to run errands, I would have definitely laid in bed all day and cried.

I don't know how come I get like this. I just wake up some days feeling very low, feeling like something is switched off in my mind. I just feel like I want to cry and *poof* away into nothing. I don't know, I guess I am just a disconnected individual.

For me, life isn't just some sort of effortless thing. And I don't mean that your life is effortless, no. I mean, I'm constantly aware of the fact that I am doing something. I don't just have conversations with people all natural. I am constantly thinking about what I am going to say next the entire time. I feel cumbersome. While putting on makeup in the morning, I see myself doing it, as though I am seeing myself from a third person point of view. It's so strange. I am perpetually anxious about weird random things that hinder from my life being seamless (like a movie). I feel disconnected as though this is not reality and nothing that I does matters. Unless that's how it is for everyone...

The reason I think I am weird though, is because I remember a time when living was actually effortless. It was a few years back, and life was just "life". It just was. And I just was. I went to school, hung out with friends, felt "fat" some days, felt good most days, etc. And if I felt bad, well, I knew it was just an emotion and I'd get over it. I was totally normal.

Now a days, sadness goes from just an emotion to an entire state of being/state of mind. And feeling "fat" spirals into me becoming withdrawn. I mean honestly, since the onset of my eating issues three years ago, nothing has been the same.

I get really hormonally imbalanced to where I just can't stand to speak without wanting to cry and disappear. I'm not suicidal at all, but human contact and normal things like getting dressed tire me, bore me, and make me want to shrivel up or float away (or something along those lines).

If I had the money, I'd hire a psychiatrist to talk to about these things; about my eating problems (that I do not wish to elaborate on with anyone at all, even a diary since my mom betrayed me and read my old one), about my sadness, withdrawal, and anxieties.

It's actually not at all as bad as it sounds; the sadness only happens occasionally. I am a very happy girl, I am thankful for all of my blessings, and I love life, honest. I do have too much anxiety though. And according to my parents, I have terrible self-esteem (which I do not see at all. I think that hating yourself is normal to a certain extent. Perhaps I hate myself more than most people, but I do project self-confidence.)

Well, I digress.

The point that I am trying to make about the psychiatrist thing is that I am exceptionally confused as to why I feel all of these things, and I want peace (or answers).

Yeah.

Jeffrey Campbell

There are no words to describe the love and adoration that I have for Jeffrey Campbell footwear. Let's just say that it hurts me to look at their shoes, I love them so much. Here, I shall create an internet shrine to my favourite pairs.

"FLORAL BOOT" (bondarag)

"LITA"

"ENOUGH A-BOOT ME"

"COPEN"

"RED-Y MERCURY BOOT"

"BOOT CAMP"

"99 TIE"

"DANA 2"

strong female characters

Lately I've really been into the whole idea of feminism, and the power that it gives females. Not only that, but coinciding with this newfound interest, I've noticed that the music I've been listening to lately has been all about the ladies. Debbie Harry, Courtney Love, and Patti Smith just to name a few.

I really love the idea of women being independent from men, and being able to do what they desire, as a female. I am powerful, I am a conductor of divine light, free from oppressive influences. I am classy and feminine, yet I don't need to constantly fit within society's feminine ideal to feel secure with myself, nor do I accept being treated as though I am lesser than anyone else. I'll attach some photos of chicks who I look up to in this respect; who are fierce and who pave their own path- both real and fictional.

("Mathilda", "Mia Wallace", Chloe Sevigny, "Annie Hall", Tavi Gevinson)

The emotional, sexual, and psychological stereotyping of females begins when the doctor says, "It's a girl."

~Shirley Chisholm

The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.

~Roseanne Barr

You don't have to be anti-man to be pro-woman.

~Jane Galvin Lewis

Women are not inherently passive or peaceful. We're not inherently anything but human. ~Robin Morgan

Girls can wear jeans
And cut their hair short
Wear shirts and boots
'Cause it's OK to be a boy
But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading
'Cause you think that being a girl is degrading
But secretly you'd love to know what it's like
Wouldn't you
What it feels like for a girl

~Madonna

Instead of getting hard ourselves and trying to compete, women should try and give their best qualities to men - bring them softness, teach them how to cry. ~Joan Baez

- - - - - - - -

I don't believe that woman should be used simply for sexualization. I don't believe that women should assume they are the damsel in distress. I don't believe that women should rely on men in a marriage; they should fight to accomplish what they desire in their careers as well as in their spiritual lives. The way that the media portrays females is disgusting. Marriage should be an equal partnership where both individuals express how they feel to one another, lean on each other for support, and help lift each other up to success. I love the idea of a woman who is poise, intelligent, strong, fashionable, and cool.

I read this quote, and I find it to be entirely incorrect:

[Feminism is] a socialist, anti-family, political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians. ~Pat Robertson

This is obviously coming from someone who views feminism only from the frame of reference of radical feminists. To me, feminism is not about a woman being better than a man. It is about equality and female empowerment.

i'm sorry

i haven't had any inspiration to do really anything lately.

it actually makes me sad... but i don't know what to do about it.

i guess you could say i've been a bit depressed the past few weeks, but it's not like i'm wallowing in sorrow or anything. i am completely aware of my blessings, and i am still alive and well... it's just that i've recently become very lonely/withdrawn, and i've also lost essentially all of my motivation and inspiration to do anything these days. i don't like it.

thin

I want to be thin so badly. There is nothing beautiful or appealing about being fleshy.

And yes, this is the eating disorder speaking.

(via stanton james)