I want to pour my heart out.

You know what really bothers me? Or, what has been bothering me today anyway, is this; that what if nobody ever really gets to know me? What if I never get to really know anyone? Even just one person?

I want, sometime in my life, for someone to really know me. Know more about me than me. I want someone to look me in the eyes, grab me by the heart, and spill my guts out on the pavement.

I want to really feel, and I want to really feel them too.

I really need to get a better idea of who I am. I really would like to get to know myself better, understand my character more, and refine myself.

I'm all over the place... and if you asked me what my favourite music is or what I see myself doing as a career, it'd be hard for me to give you a straight answer.

My face feels hot and numb and puffy... I feel numb all over. I just slept for almost three hours after feeling super sick (physically), and I am praying that I won't catch my mom's 24hr virus that she had over the weekend. I took three tums and ate some saltines and drank some kombucha, and I foresee that I will come out of this little bug triumphant, if I don't start feeling ill again after this post-nap grogginess wears off :/

In other news, I have been feeling emotionally sound. It's strange to hear from me, I know, but it's nice. I've been actually focusing on my classwork the past two days, and despite only getting an average of 6 hours of sleep each night, I feel just peachy by 9am.

You know, I don't even know what I am saying right now. I wish I was writing about something pretty and profound, but this is the first of my entries that is simply a journal-esque babble. Oh well.

And now I feel like puking again. Bye.

~

Random bout of apathy

I'm entirely apathetic. I'm not sad, I'm not depressed, I am simply indifferent to everything and everyone. I mean, I'm happy, I guess...I mean, if I'm not sad, then is it happy? I can't actually tell. I just know that I'm not sad and I'm not angry or anything like that. I just feel like nothing really matters. I'm feeling a little existential, minus the cynicism. I don't like feeling like this very much, and so far absolutely nothing is helping... It's like my emotions have been stolen from me. So strange. I guess the (subconscious?) loneliness is finally getting to me. Maybe by creating this "apathy" in my mind, my subconscious is trying to defend me from feeling like a total bummer. Strange indeed.

I guess what I do feel is like I don't know what this whole thing is. Life, I mean. I feel like everything is so beautiful and I just don't understand. And then sometimes I just feel like... like people are so judgmental and that they don't see their own flaws and mistakes and so they never really get to know anyone. It makes me a little sad. I don't really know what I mean anymore. And I guess what I also want is to be better, but at the same time I lack motivation to do so. That makes me a little sad inside; that I want to be better, but I don't care sometimes.

I guess what I want is to feel true connection and happiness among people, not only in nature and art. I always find love and contentment when I view art and listen to music and lay on the ground staring at the ceiling, by myself. Rare though, is for me to get excited to see people and talk to them. I don't really like to. I like to be among people, watching them and observing them... but I wish I could feel happy when I'm with them. I keep getting stuck at that part. I suppose the people I know I don't actually relate to, so it makes me feel stuck. It's either that, or I end up getting sickened by people who just hype up stories or lie or act phony to get a reaction; which being a high-schooler, is usually the case. Perhaps I need to tone down my Holden Caulfield-esque mindset, or perhaps I am just a strange seventeen year old girl who has yet to find some genuine people that I can relate to without feeling out of place inside (or like I want to slap them).

Either way, I'm not sad or upset, I'm simply not willing to change myself in order to make friends. I'm quite content where I am in my life right now, and I think that if I just continue to pursue happiness through art and yoga and whatever else it is that I am doing, then soon enough people will cross my path who I can honestly relate to. I am quite sure of it. Until then, I'll just try and keep my heart open, like a window letting in morning sunlight. (I use this analogy a lot. I like it, can you tell?)

: )

Currently playing as I type:

All the Young Dudes by Mott The Hoople

Skinny Love by Bon Iver

Stars of Track and Field by Belle & Sebastian

India Rubber by Radiohead

Forth Time Around by Bob Dylan

Suite Bergamasque 3. "Clair de Lune" by Alexis Weissenberg

Cosmia by Joanna Newsom

Well, anyways, I'm going to go have a cool cucumber for dinner and try to feel more real.

xx

Journey

I am fresh out of about 70 minutes of yoga and meditation. My mind is renewed, and my heart is an open window letting in light. My body feels like nothing. I can't feel my neck, and I feel like a floating leaf that's fallen from a tree and is slowly approaching the ground, traveling from side to side with the wind. I meditated for the first approximately 20 minutes, and did my own series of poses for the remainder of time.

Thoughts on my mind currently;

• I would like to change my name to something Icelandic. The Icelandic culture has put together so many fantastic gypsy names, it's fantastic.
• Björn means bear in Icelandic.
• It's so peaceful outside.
• God is everywhere, in everything He has created, and in you and me.
• We are all little blooming flowers and although there is pain and things like that in the world, we will all die one day and our souls will float away. We will no longer feel anything but light. Inside of us is light. You are a soul and you have a body, not the other way around.
• Magenta flowers are so nice. Here's one from my yard that I picked yesterday, I've never smelled a flower so sweet. It's currently on the other side of the desk from me, and I can still smell its sweet perfume!

• I can hear birds outside speaking to eachother! Singing and conversing! In a language only they understand!
• This morning I curiously awoke with this question on my mind: Do chimpanzees like music? The answer is yes. In experiments performed by scientists in the UK, they found that chimps can recognize and differentiate pleasantly sounding music from less appealing dissonant tunes. I think this is fascinating news.

I digress. To update you on where I traveled mentally on today's meditative journey, I went to a few places, the first being outer space again. I first was trusted into the sky, wearing a lavender silken dress (if that has any significance), up far far away in the stars. I don't know exactly where I was going, but I remember that I was falling upward. It was fantastically paradoxical and didn't make any sense, but that's what happened. I was feeling like I was falling, yet I was floating toward a giant star, with my fingers touching little bits of cosmic dust as I traveled. The giant star was so big, that it occupied nearly my entire span of vision, but it was light years away from me... frightening. Then, I realized that it was a nucleus of some sort, and that I was merely a little speck of matter, floating around it. And that we were part of one tiny molecule, out of trillions of molecules that compose something larger than comprehension. It's too much for the human mind to handle, I thought. This must be something that only God understands. Those are the things that I thought.

After that, I changed my position from child's pose into a strange variation of the fetal position, except for I was on my side, and I didn't want to physically arrange my arms (in attempts to remain detached from my Self), so I look sort of strewn on the ground. Here is when my mind veered off into a strange place, although I wasn't personally bothered by it. I pictured my arms bleeding and bleeding and bleeding and bleeding. I won't go into depths as to how come, but they were. I was on the ground, in a pool of crimson red, surrounded by light pink roses growing all over the place. It seemed so nice, but then I realized that it wasn't, so I looked up. Out of the lavender sky, a man began to float down. Jesus Christ came and said nothing, but just looked me in the eyes and kindly placed his hands on my arms. My wounds were gone. He held my hand and we walked away, leading me someplace beautiful. I then became a third person observer and saw us walking, from the perspective of behind us. I could see that as He walked away, little green plants and flowers bloomed from where His feet had touched the ground. This occurred in a forest similar to that of the one below:

Meditation

I would like to make it a personal goal that I meditate daily. I just meditated for roughly 7 minutes, a short period of time, but it felt good. I would like to explore the depths of my mind and the depths of my Being as I meditate. Today I pondered the magnitude and the size of the universe... and I thought about stars and light years. I explored thoughts of being on a star, and what the end of the universe looks like (when actually there is no known edge of the universe, therefore I've concluded that it is infinite).

Every time that I do meditate, I'll try to log my thoughts/experiences. I believe that one can achieve transcendental experiences without the use of drugs if they train their minds to release their attachments from their physical being, like removing the weights from an air balloon. (Not to say that I do not condone the use of mind expanding drugs, because I do).

Additionally, I'll try to log what poses work best. Today I meditated in "Child's Pose", and it felt really good to loose attachment to my hands and arms. My heart was buried in my chest, and it was a very natural position to be in, most likely because of it's similarity to the fetal position, which is one of the most natural physical poses one can be in since that's how they were positioned during the time that they grew into human beings.

Child's Pose

One with the Earth

For chakra information, click here

Multiple universes? Multiple realities? One can never know, therefore you must ponder all that comes to your mind.

THINK FOR YOURSELF! NEVER GROW STAGNANT! DON'T BECOME THE PRODUCT OF SOCIETAL BRAINWASHING! YOU ARE A HUMAN BEING! OPEN YOUR MIND, OPEN YOUR SOUL, LET GOD INSIDE, AND REALIZE WHAT YOU ARE. THINK, LEARN, LOVE. IT IS YOUR RIGHT AS A BEING AND INHABITANT OF THE UNIVERSE. YOU HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH A BRAIN AND A HEART AND A BODY AND EYES AND FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS, DON'T WASTE WHAT YOU HAVE.

Better

I feel better than I did yesterday. I ate better too. There is a direct link between how I feel about myself and what I eat... and with that being said, I ate more natural foods, so I'm feeling okay.

(My mom bought Botanic N0.7! Kombucha heals everything!)

It was a really pretty day too, and nothing bad happened, so I'm good! It's always good to be alive.

Tomorrow I think I'm going to dinner and lazer tag with a few people... which is a little out of my comfort zone, but I feel like the universe has placed it in my lap due to yesterday's climax of loneliness! So I hope it goes well. I think it will.

And I'm glad yesterday is done, and I'm happy that tomorrow is Friday. This weekend should be really nice since the Earth Day fair is on Sunday! I really hope I can go! I'm very conscious of how I treat the Earth, so it'll be cool to hoof it a while down at the Park if my mom feels like driving me over there. I'm looking forward to that.

Well, gotta go. There are two little History analysis papers to be written, some Joy Luck Club to be read, and some math equations to be pondered upon. So long!

Phonies

I'm ____. I don't know what word is supposed to go here. I feel apathetic, I suppose. But I am most definitely not depressed. Far from it! I am happy and alive and breathing and thriving, I'm just tired and lonely. I feel yearning to be less lonesome, yet I am constantly annoyed with everyone. I can't stand this about myself, and lately, it seems, I've been getting worse. I look at people, and all I see is a big flashing sign that spells out "PHONY PHONY PHONY". I can't help what wonder who these people really are, and yet, it's only me who is phony I guess. It's ironic. For example, today at school I just kept thinking, "I don't like anyone here at all", well, with the exception of one friend, but that's it. Other than that, I am just kind of sick of speaking to anyone at all. But I can't help but be friendly. I love being friendly, it's in my nature! I'm such a paradox. You see how come I'm convinced that I have some sort of social issue? Eeh, it's honestly just me being angsty about not having many friends.

I want friends, but I don't like anyone I know, I feel like I am always being let down by people, since they always put on facades. I give up! But that's people for ya! I'll get over it soon, I hope. At least I am brutally honest with myself here, when it comes to speaking about how I feel. I don't like to sugar-coat, I just like to be me and that's it. I don't want to become one of them. And if this means being a lone ranger through these mundane and superficial years of high school, then I am totally great with that. Especially since I've gone through three years like this so far, and I think I've turned out all right! I'd rather die an original and a genuine individual than live as a people-pleasing person who can never be alone.

In addition, I've noticed myself fantasizing more and more about running off to some random place in the mountains, growing my hair out to my knees, and screaming songs of worship to God, thanking Him for the stars and the trees and the earth and my knees and my eyes and my lips and for the butterflies and spiders and rainbows in the sky and fungi under trees and dirt and the HOLY HOLY HOLY air we breathe, and for stardust and galaxies, and infinite vast black plains of nothing out in the universe, for poetry and tongues and snails, for snow and autumn leaves, for rosy cheeks and bruised knuckles, for sleeping babies and white tigers and sweet sweet yellow bananas and the sound of the ocean and the scent of the rose and hugs from my father. For everything. I suggest you persue the poem titled Footnote to Howl by Allen Ginsberg. The preceding passage was inspired by that. I digress.

The point of the matter is that I just want to escape for a while, get away from my thoughts, get away from people talking about "oh I'm so fat" and "I need to buy this record player/vintage camera/pretentious old piece of shit" and "oh, I've been listening to this music since before they were popular" and "I hate you" and greed and just plain noise that human beings generate. I am not exhempt from this, which is part of the reason why I'd like to get away from my thoughts and from the feeling of being human for a while. I am sickened in the mind with the pollution of excess and the seemingly fuitile nature that highschool life can present.

I want to feel connected with something, and since I obviously am not content with people, I want to be with nature. I want to cry at how small I feel while I lie on the ground with my head laying directly on the dirt, facing upward; facing the big black abyss. I don't want to think about ego or pride or people getting sick and dying. I want to feel like God is staring right at me, and I want to look in His eyes too.

I don't even know what I am saying right now.

Maybe I just need to sleep.

Maybe I am just idealizing all of this crazy stuff based off of a few weeks of being disappointed by people. Maybe I am just being a stupid teenager. Or maybe I just want to be around people who have common interests with me, who want to do nothing but eat veggies and throw away processed food and talk about life, and who wouldn't mind just acting like their own Self, people who know that they are a soul. People who like poetry and Bob Dylan and who won't judge me for getting depressed every couple of months. People who don't have popularity and ego and sex plaguing their thoughts. People who aren't "pseudo-anything". And people who can teach me about life in ways that I am currently incapable of seeing on my own. Maybe there is nobody like this except for in my head.

And now that I've typed this all out I just feel like an idiot. Ahhhh oh well, this is what happens when I am discontent with myself and I feel guilty about it.

And now I feel sick since I ate so much trail mix.

If I was living off the land, then I wouldn't be having this issue!