Random bout of apathy

I'm entirely apathetic. I'm not sad, I'm not depressed, I am simply indifferent to everything and everyone. I mean, I'm happy, I guess...I mean, if I'm not sad, then is it happy? I can't actually tell. I just know that I'm not sad and I'm not angry or anything like that. I just feel like nothing really matters. I'm feeling a little existential, minus the cynicism. I don't like feeling like this very much, and so far absolutely nothing is helping... It's like my emotions have been stolen from me. So strange. I guess the (subconscious?) loneliness is finally getting to me. Maybe by creating this "apathy" in my mind, my subconscious is trying to defend me from feeling like a total bummer. Strange indeed.

I guess what I do feel is like I don't know what this whole thing is. Life, I mean. I feel like everything is so beautiful and I just don't understand. And then sometimes I just feel like... like people are so judgmental and that they don't see their own flaws and mistakes and so they never really get to know anyone. It makes me a little sad. I don't really know what I mean anymore. And I guess what I also want is to be better, but at the same time I lack motivation to do so. That makes me a little sad inside; that I want to be better, but I don't care sometimes.

I guess what I want is to feel true connection and happiness among people, not only in nature and art. I always find love and contentment when I view art and listen to music and lay on the ground staring at the ceiling, by myself. Rare though, is for me to get excited to see people and talk to them. I don't really like to. I like to be among people, watching them and observing them... but I wish I could feel happy when I'm with them. I keep getting stuck at that part. I suppose the people I know I don't actually relate to, so it makes me feel stuck. It's either that, or I end up getting sickened by people who just hype up stories or lie or act phony to get a reaction; which being a high-schooler, is usually the case. Perhaps I need to tone down my Holden Caulfield-esque mindset, or perhaps I am just a strange seventeen year old girl who has yet to find some genuine people that I can relate to without feeling out of place inside (or like I want to slap them).

Either way, I'm not sad or upset, I'm simply not willing to change myself in order to make friends. I'm quite content where I am in my life right now, and I think that if I just continue to pursue happiness through art and yoga and whatever else it is that I am doing, then soon enough people will cross my path who I can honestly relate to. I am quite sure of it. Until then, I'll just try and keep my heart open, like a window letting in morning sunlight. (I use this analogy a lot. I like it, can you tell?)

: )

Currently playing as I type:

All the Young Dudes by Mott The Hoople

Skinny Love by Bon Iver

Stars of Track and Field by Belle & Sebastian

India Rubber by Radiohead

Forth Time Around by Bob Dylan

Suite Bergamasque 3. "Clair de Lune" by Alexis Weissenberg

Cosmia by Joanna Newsom

Well, anyways, I'm going to go have a cool cucumber for dinner and try to feel more real.

xx