Phonies

I'm ____. I don't know what word is supposed to go here. I feel apathetic, I suppose. But I am most definitely not depressed. Far from it! I am happy and alive and breathing and thriving, I'm just tired and lonely. I feel yearning to be less lonesome, yet I am constantly annoyed with everyone. I can't stand this about myself, and lately, it seems, I've been getting worse. I look at people, and all I see is a big flashing sign that spells out "PHONY PHONY PHONY". I can't help what wonder who these people really are, and yet, it's only me who is phony I guess. It's ironic. For example, today at school I just kept thinking, "I don't like anyone here at all", well, with the exception of one friend, but that's it. Other than that, I am just kind of sick of speaking to anyone at all. But I can't help but be friendly. I love being friendly, it's in my nature! I'm such a paradox. You see how come I'm convinced that I have some sort of social issue? Eeh, it's honestly just me being angsty about not having many friends.

I want friends, but I don't like anyone I know, I feel like I am always being let down by people, since they always put on facades. I give up! But that's people for ya! I'll get over it soon, I hope. At least I am brutally honest with myself here, when it comes to speaking about how I feel. I don't like to sugar-coat, I just like to be me and that's it. I don't want to become one of them. And if this means being a lone ranger through these mundane and superficial years of high school, then I am totally great with that. Especially since I've gone through three years like this so far, and I think I've turned out all right! I'd rather die an original and a genuine individual than live as a people-pleasing person who can never be alone.

In addition, I've noticed myself fantasizing more and more about running off to some random place in the mountains, growing my hair out to my knees, and screaming songs of worship to God, thanking Him for the stars and the trees and the earth and my knees and my eyes and my lips and for the butterflies and spiders and rainbows in the sky and fungi under trees and dirt and the HOLY HOLY HOLY air we breathe, and for stardust and galaxies, and infinite vast black plains of nothing out in the universe, for poetry and tongues and snails, for snow and autumn leaves, for rosy cheeks and bruised knuckles, for sleeping babies and white tigers and sweet sweet yellow bananas and the sound of the ocean and the scent of the rose and hugs from my father. For everything. I suggest you persue the poem titled Footnote to Howl by Allen Ginsberg. The preceding passage was inspired by that. I digress.

The point of the matter is that I just want to escape for a while, get away from my thoughts, get away from people talking about "oh I'm so fat" and "I need to buy this record player/vintage camera/pretentious old piece of shit" and "oh, I've been listening to this music since before they were popular" and "I hate you" and greed and just plain noise that human beings generate. I am not exhempt from this, which is part of the reason why I'd like to get away from my thoughts and from the feeling of being human for a while. I am sickened in the mind with the pollution of excess and the seemingly fuitile nature that highschool life can present.

I want to feel connected with something, and since I obviously am not content with people, I want to be with nature. I want to cry at how small I feel while I lie on the ground with my head laying directly on the dirt, facing upward; facing the big black abyss. I don't want to think about ego or pride or people getting sick and dying. I want to feel like God is staring right at me, and I want to look in His eyes too.

I don't even know what I am saying right now.

Maybe I just need to sleep.

Maybe I am just idealizing all of this crazy stuff based off of a few weeks of being disappointed by people. Maybe I am just being a stupid teenager. Or maybe I just want to be around people who have common interests with me, who want to do nothing but eat veggies and throw away processed food and talk about life, and who wouldn't mind just acting like their own Self, people who know that they are a soul. People who like poetry and Bob Dylan and who won't judge me for getting depressed every couple of months. People who don't have popularity and ego and sex plaguing their thoughts. People who aren't "pseudo-anything". And people who can teach me about life in ways that I am currently incapable of seeing on my own. Maybe there is nobody like this except for in my head.

And now that I've typed this all out I just feel like an idiot. Ahhhh oh well, this is what happens when I am discontent with myself and I feel guilty about it.

And now I feel sick since I ate so much trail mix.

If I was living off the land, then I wouldn't be having this issue!