let's be honest

I find the whole "cigarettes and coffee" thing to be exceptionally appealing. I both fantasize and worry about the day i turn 18... because then the decision to purchase that first box of cigs will come. Will I grab a cup of coffee and a box of sweet black djarums? Or will I decide that it's a stupid idea. I would really love a substitute for food...this whole bingeing and purging thing isn't working for me, and quite frankly it has become an inescapable hell which warrants NO weight loss at all.

I wish cigs didn't cause cancer.

...I will 90% not smoke, because I can just picture myself heaving blood as a result of my throat "issues", triggered by the nicotine/tobacco. and hacking like those nasty old leathery-skin women who wear south western jewelry and work at truck stop diners. it's not attractive in real life.

but i can keep this little glamorous fantasy alive in my mind since i've grown quite fond of it.